The Half 🅱️ prince

The room was dim, lit only by the pale glow of a single candle. The heavy drapes fluttered slightly from the gentle wind that breezed through a cracked window. You sat nervously on a hard wooden chair in Snape's office, not entirely sure why you had been summoned.

Severus Snape looked even more mysterious than usual, his black robes seeming to blend with the shadows. He paced the room for a moment before coming to a stop in front of you.

"Do you know why you're here?" he asked, his voice as silky as ever.

You shook your head, "No, Professor. I don't."

He smirked, a rare sight, "Let's just say, there are certain... truths, I've come to realize."

Your heart raced. "Truths?"

Snape leaned in, his dark eyes searching yours. "You see, I've discovered something about myself that even I had not suspected. I am not just a mere potions master. I am... much more."

You tilted your head, puzzled. "What do you mean, Professor?"

His eyes glinted with mischief. "I am the true god of this world."

You blinked, unsure of how to respond. Was this some sort of test? A joke? But Snape didn't seem like the type to jest.

Seeing your hesitation, Snape continued, "I know it's hard to believe. But I've seen things, felt things, that prove my power. And I wanted you to be the first to know."

"Why me?" you whispered.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Because," he murmured, leaning even closer, "there's something about you that's drawn me in. A magnetism I can't deny."

Your breath caught. Was Severus Snape... flirting with you?

"Think of the possibilities," he whispered, his breath warm on your ear. "Together, we could be unstoppable."

You met his gaze, your heart pounding. "Professor..."

But he silenced you with a finger to your lips. "Just think about it," he murmured.

And with that, he turned away, leaving you in stunned silence, the weight of his revelation and the allure of his flirtation heavy in the air. The door suddenly burst open, and the unmistakable form of SpongeBob SquarePants, fully out of water and surprisingly adapted to the air of the Hogwarts dungeon, stood there, his usual jovial grin plastered across his face.

"Hey, everybody!" SpongeBob called cheerfully, seemingly unaware of the intense moment he'd just interrupted.

Snape's piercing gaze turned coldly to the sponge. "What are you doing here?"

SpongeBob seemed to think for a moment, placing a hand to his chin. "Well, I was just wandering around and thought I'd drop by. But since I'm here," he took a deep breath, puffing out his chest, "I have an announcement to make!"

You exchanged a bewildered glance with Snape. This was not what you'd expected from your day.

SpongeBob clapped his hands together. "You see, I've recently discovered that I'm not just any sponge. I'm the reincarnation of both Jesus and Krishna!" He struck a dramatic pose, arms outstretched.

A profound silence settled over the room.

Snape looked even more unimpressed than usual. "First, I find out I'm a god. Then, a sea sponge waltzes into my office claiming to be the reincarnation of divine figures. What's next?"

SpongeBob giggled, his earlier seriousness evaporating. "Life's full of surprises, isn't it?"

You could only nod in agreement, feeling like you'd been whisked away into the most peculiar dream. But in a place like Hogwarts, perhaps anything truly was possible. Snape's eyes narrowed as he turned his full attention to the bubbly sea creature before him. "So, you're claiming to be the reincarnation of two major spiritual figures, both from distinctly different religious backgrounds, and yet you can't even remember to tie your own shoelaces?"

SpongeBob looked down, realizing one of his oversized shoes had come untied. He chuckled nervously. "Well, you know, sometimes the most enlightened beings have trouble with the little things."

Snape's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Oh, indeed. So, I'm to believe that in all your divine wisdom, you choose to spend your days flipping Krabby Patties and blowing bubbles?"

SpongeBob's square shoulders squared even further in defiance. "Hey! Bubbles are a profound metaphor for the fleeting nature of life! And besides, there's an art to making the perfect Krabby Patty."

Snape snorted, "I've dedicated years to the complex world of potions, and you equate that to... flipping burgers?"

SpongeBob pondered for a moment. "Well, Professor, both require a precise hand, a keen eye, and love!"

Snape looked momentarily taken aback, perhaps questioning his own reality, but then retorted, "Love? This is Hogwarts, not the Krusty Krab. Your whimsical declarations have no bearing here."

SpongeBob, undeterred, flashed his trademark grin. "Just because something sounds silly, doesn't mean there isn't a deeper truth to it."

For a moment, the room was silent. Then, with a huff, Snape replied, "This conversation is over. I have more important matters to attend to than debating existential truths with a sponge." The door to Snape's office, already having suffered the unceremonious entrance of SpongeBob, was subjected once more to a violent swing. This time, IM Meen, the infamously eccentric librarian from the old computer game, burst forth with his wild hair and manic grin.

Snape groaned audibly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh, God, really?"

IM Meen chuckled, wagging his finger with amusement. "Funny you should mention that!"

SpongeBob blinked his big, round eyes in confusion. "Who's this now?"

IM Meen took a dramatic bow, his cape flowing behind him. "Ah, for those unacquainted, I am IM Meen, the master of labyrinths and a lover of books, especially when they're filled with children who hate reading!"

Snape exhaled deeply, clearly regretting his earlier revelation. "Let me guess. You've come with some grand declaration about your divine heritage as well?"

IM Meen straightened up, giving Snape a sly look. "No, not at all. I just heard there was a gathering of characters making outrageous claims and thought it sounded like fun!"

The potions master's eyes darted between the bubbly sponge and the mad librarian. "My office has turned into a madhouse," he muttered.

SpongeBob, always one to find the bright side, chimed in, "Well, it's not every day you get to have a party with a god, the reincarnation of Jesus and Krishna, and... um, a book guy!"

IM Meen cackled, "Indeed! What a time to be alive... or fictional!"

Snape could only sigh, contemplating if any potion in his arsenal could make this surreal day a mere memory, remembering he confiscated some gin from the Weasley twins several days ago. With a mix of exasperation and desperation, Snape reached into a cupboard behind him, pulling out a bottle of gin. Without ceremony or a glass, he took a deep swig directly from the bottle, his Adam's apple bobbing with each gulp.

Watching this rare display of vulnerability, you cleared your throat, trying to make sense of the absurdity unfolding before you. "Professor... what exactly is going on here? I mean, first your revelation, then SpongeBob's, and now... him?" You gestured towards IM Meen, who was now animatedly discussing his favorite books with a somewhat overwhelmed SpongeBob.

Snape took another swig, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "Frankly, I have no idea. Perhaps we've all been exposed to some hallucinatory potion? Or maybe this is a dream..."

You frowned, looking around the peculiar ensemble in the room. "It feels too... vivid to be a dream. And besides, if it's a dream, whose dream is it?"

Snape contemplated for a moment. "Given the day I've had, I wouldn't be surprised if it's mine. But the real question is: how do we end it?"

IM Meen, overhearing the conversation, sauntered over, a mischievous grin on his face. "Endings? Oh, I have a book about that! But you might not like where it takes you."

Snape groaned, taking yet another sip from his bottle. "At this point, I'm willing to take my chances."

The atmosphere within Snape's office became electric as the 'Book of Endings' began to vibrate with an intensity that defied its inanimate nature. Suddenly, a burst of light pierced the room, momentarily blinding everyone. As the brilliance faded, standing there in all his green, glorious stature was none other than Shrek.

All present, including the usually unflappable Snape and the eccentric IM Meen, immediately bowed their heads in reverence of the one true God. In unison, they chanted, "Shrek is love, Shrek is life."

Shrek, however, appeared troubled. His brow furrowed, he looked around the room, eyeing each person present. "Gents," he began with a note of regret, "I'm afraid to inform you that we've had too much divinity for a single fanfiction today. It's tearing this world apart."

Before anyone could respond, a deep, unsettling rumble echoed from outside. You hurriedly approached the window, witnessing a bizarre sight. Though the sun had long set, the horizon was alight as if it were midday. A creeping, all-consuming white light began to inch its way across the landscape.

From the distance, Dumbledore emerged, running at full tilt towards the castle. But he was too slow. Just as the light was about to engulf him, he yelled out a phrase, his voice filled with both regret and determination: "What the hell are you doing, you motherf**kers!"

And then, he vanished.

Your heart raced, the gravity of the situation sinking in. You turned back to the room, and there was Shrek, his expression somber. Meeting your gaze, he murmured the words that would forever echo in your memory: "It's all ogre now."

The end.